the sound of the rain

The sound of the rain is the soundtrack for my life for the past few weeks, and in where I live, it is pouring down like someone is dumping an ocean's worth of water in my city. Classes are canceled due to rain and flooding in lots of areas in the city, causing traffic jams as well.

Not that I'm complaining. I've always loved the sound of the rain, its sweet aroma and the cool air it brings. It's awfully perfect for a nap.

But it's been raining non-stop. All day. Except for yesterday morning-afternoon.

Testimony: I decided to be honest with someone, and the day before I set myself to do it, I wanted to back out. I said to God, "If I was meant to come clean to this person, and if You are telling me to do so, please let it NOT rain tomorrow." And it didn't rain. God wanted me to come clean. Although that didn't leave me with any solution to my problems.

All of my life I had always wondered what it would be like to be admired by another person. And somehow after getting into university, people are interested in me. One friend asked me if I would like to make acquaintance with his friend, said to be interested in me after seeing my pictures on facebook. I thought it was a joke (in my mind) because I am the opposite of photogenic. I am completely NOT pretty in pictures. I don't know what people really see in me. Now that I know how it feels like, I take it all back. I don't need that, I don't need admirers, people who are interested in me, unless they are people I'm interested in as well.

I wasn't popular in high school but some friends told me (or so I've heard) that I'm actually quite pretty. I cannot comprehend the meaning of it, mostly because it's always followed with the phrase "if only she would..." Obviously I don't know how to end the sentence because I remained un-pretty for the rest of high school.

Now that I know what it's like to be liked by others, I miss high school. I miss people who don't give a rat's ass what I do, and being just ignored. I actually want to go back to the elitists, just to be ignored by them. That's pretty absurd, especially because most people would like to be liked. I don't care about others, I just want the attention and affections of people I care about.

A guy I like should be, a gentleman, not an ass. They should care about what the other party is feeling and be  more gentleman-like than myself, meaning they should treat others better than me. Someone who gains respect from character, not from material thing they possess. That, or they are seriously cute, and intriguing in a sense of me being a writer.


I is always capitalized in every part of any sentence, if it is used to refer to oneself. It really does show us how much we think highly of ourselves. It's good to elevate one's worth, but it is sometimes used much too often. 'I' is deemed more important than 'you', 'we', 'them', 'he', 'she', 'it'; which are comprised of small letters. It shouldn't be like that, everyone is equal, and it is nobler to even put others in front of ourselves.But is even a bigger 'I' to be noble, to pretend to be so is even bigger.

After reading this, I realized these are just rants. My rants because life isn't going the way I wanted it. It's like when I'm turning on the music, but the sound of the rain is interfering with the music. But the sound of the rain itself is soothing. It's best to just enjoy the sounds already there.

catch-up

I found the Christmas spirit~ It's the joy that we find when we know our great God would come down to save us. It's the start of mankind's salvation~

About the New Year's, it didn't go as I liked it. Usually I get to see fireworks and eat BBQ at an acquaintance's restaurant, be happy as I watch the New Year's movie waiting for the clock to strike 12. This year, I was stuck in traffic, then in a restaurant filled with smoke from people smoking. My aunt was having an asthma attack and I was going to have one as well if I stayed too long.

I don't get people who smoke. What do they get out of it? A sense of manliness? Peace of mind? Please, get it somewhere else. If you want a sense of manliness, if you are a man, you are born with it! Peace of mind you can find in God. Please, if you want to kill yourself, do it swift and fast, don't smoke. Don't get your doctors in a bind because you have lung cancer later after you smoke.

Back to my New Year's, a guy said he liked me. But instead of being happy, I was..angry, upset, unhappy. Well, it was AFTER the first confession then he texted me something really strange, in another language. It was supposedly a romantic gesture, but I find it annoying. When a guy texts you for courting, but not doing it in person, it really makes me mad. I feel like, "are you serious? I feel pranked." Am I not worth talking to in person?

 It's the first time someone confessed to me but it will also be the first time I rejected a person. Fingers crossed that this time he'd give up for good!

I also want a guy, just to be clear, just someone who has their head on right. The way I see it, my standards are just the way guys supposed to be. Smarter than the girls, respectable, having a gentleman-like qualities. Is it just me who reads too many books about 18th-19th century romances? (-___-)

The point is, just be man, and try to court your ladies in person. Doing it over texting, online etc is just really screams Cowardly, or you're not even serious with this person.

Peace out!

Christmas Cheer

This is the first Christmas I spend without being part of the service, and quite frankly I feel numb. I don’t feel the Christmas spirit. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t part of the Christmas service, so I wasn’t really looking forward to Christmas time. It was just like “oh, is it Christmastime already? I didn’t notice.”

For as long as I remember, I was always practicing for Christmas celebration in times of approaching Christmas. At school, church, wherever. Christmas without them makes me think a lot more. I am no longer a kid, waiting for Christmas to get presents from Santa or our parents. (I gave up on that because of lots of reasons, one of them being previous dissappointing gifts just being something they would get me and not enough thought given to them.) If I think about it, I don’t have Christmas cheer in me this year, probably never had them but I was too busy to realize that.

I googled about that and some say the best way is to volunteer at Christmas time. One thing I forgot to mention, I am feeling quite under the weather this Christmas. You can hear my cough from a mile away. I guess I’d have to sleep in this Christmas Eve because my body isn’t feeling that well. Ever since I got out of school, the body’s condition is deteriorating. What kept me going although I was still in school is probably the adrenaline. Medical School is hard. I’ve lost 5 pounds since I got in. It is a good way to stress you out and lose weight if you lose weight when you stress out. Not a good way to lose weight if you’re a stress-eater.

In some parts of the world, Christmas Eve is a romantic night you spend with your loved one. This is just outrageous. If that’s so, I will spend it with my stuffed rabbit, Aki whom in previous blog have been featured. I might be jealous at those couples who get to spend Christmas Eve together, because quite frankly I have no person to spend it with.

Well, Christmas originated from the celebration of Jesus’ birth, marking a new beginning, that the baby who comes will bring forth salvation to all people. So why don’t I feel that cheerful? I’m a Christian, aren’t I supposedly the owner of biggest cheer?

Aaah. I don’t feel like this is a big thing. Why am I not being a spiritual person anymore?

I’m going away for a while to find my spirituality (maybe). Bye.

reflecting in case the world ends

I have no story to tell but my own.

These are the things I found in the life of a late teenager.

In case the world ends, let’s reflect on the things we have until this moment. Because it’s my blog, I’ll reflect on my own life.

From birth until now, I feel like if someone could win in a birth lottery, my life would be at least the 7th best prize. My family is very well-off  in terms of fulfilling my needs, I have both my parents still alive and get along very well, they are religious people who constantly takes care of me. I am not stupid, quite intelligent if I may say so myself. And in terms of looks, I might not win Miss Universe but I am not ugly. I am very spolit, not experiencing many hardships in life. The number of times I use public transportation can be counted with a single hand. That’s how much I was spoilt.

But the question lingering in my mind as I think about all the things I have done with my life was what will I regret when the world actually ends?

Well, I’d regret being so depressed and not opening up to people sooner, but my life went fine even with my depression. I had some good days and my grades are satisfactory with the amount of work I have put in. I regret not taking chances with people, not trusting sooner. I’d regret being so self-absorbed, judging, and ignorant. But most of all, I regret not leaving the world with something.

I am idealist. I want to change the world with my work, and hopefully make God proud of me in the process. At the least I’d like to change someone’s life, make them know how much God loves them. Like in the old drama Touched by an Angel. I love it, and sometimes I hope God can use me the way He uses the angels to tell people how much He loved them and not be too brainwashing Christian in its way. Believe me, I’d love to see someone repent but I don’t want to give God’s children a bad name.

By going into medical school, I hope that I’d be able to see the lives of other people as well as saving them. And by the end of my career I hope I’d understand enough of God’s work in humans to write about them. Well, just writing fiction. Truth be told, if I was to pick again what major should I choose, I’d pick this all over again. I feel so blessed after my choice. But I have to say, I’d rethink and rethink again because I feel like I am so much better at English Literature and being an editor. I am good at criticizing people, well just pointing out some weaknesses and hopefully make them grow. I want to teach them to properly pursue their dreams in doing manga or fiction. I have a passion for that. But I’m afraid if I do study that, my head would only grow bigger because I’d feel that I am above the cut and everyone else. So I have to get in a major that humbles me.

that's pretty much all I could write and think of right now (well, supposedly "then" because I copy-pasted this from a word document I wrote before when the internet wasn't on, and this was supposed to be posted sooner).

growing up

I don’t like myself when I’m jealous like this.

She seems to be perfect. She’s beautiful, adored by her friends, easy-going, and smart to boot. I can’t help but keep comparing myself with her. And I seem to lose every single time.

I can feel myself reverting back to the way I was. Depressed, alone and felt like I’ve been left behind. I don’t want to go back to that place. I suffered for 5 years trying to recover from that. And I’m still recovering. I feel less and less like my old depressed self when I’m not alone, but the analyzing part of me, and some of the good qualities are dissapearing as well. What is the point that I’m trying to make? It’s that I’m confused.

How do they do it? I want to know how do everyone live with this emotion. Why does it exist? To make humans want to improve? What’s the point of all these?

I learned that everyone hurts. Their pains aren’t evident, but it exists. The brightest smiles might hide the saddest stories. Some have screwed up people in their families, some are suffering the pains someone left,  and maybe they are suffering from both. Complicated mess of a life, but it runs just like that. And somehow, it would all fit together in God’s plan.

They hurt, but they’re getting by. They learned to roll with the punches.

I was having a hard time having to cope with the fact that I have to start growing up, but my best friend was forced to do that because of her circumstances. I want to have that kind of strength, to be brave like her.

I feel like my blog is cliched. Like the end of a sitcom where the main character writes down the lesson of the episode. But I think it’s really important not to take emotions for granted. Every second of life is a living experience. Some might not get to do all the thing we do, but they sure can know a bit about it from our perspective.

I learned in class that one of human’s traits and lifelong desire is to fulfill oneself of  their existence. They would want to prove themselves worthy of existence. They say tigers die and leave their skin, but humans die and leave their names. They want to be remembered. The topic is very often told in ancient hero stories (what hero in that time didn't want to prove themselves?)and much often, it is our way of staying immortal, living on forever in memories and hearts of others.

A blog is also a way for humans to fulfill oneself of their existence. Hoping someone would come and read it, then get to know how your life is. An invisible blog like mine, is really just to fulfill my desire to write and record what goes on in my life. So the point is I'm considering linking this blog to my twitter page of FB, but I have to work on some quirks before really doing so.

Sorry guys, not yet a photo for this post. I'll find one next time,

one step at a time

I want take life one step at a time. I guess.

The thing about being so eclectic (or and eccentric) is that I want to do lots of things. I'd like to do sports, and serve in church, and i want to officially form a club that is acknowledged by the university with my friends, also i was offered to join Latin dance class and the choir. Doing all that and still wanting to have a GPA of over 3,5 in med school and a social life as well.

Is that asking for too much?

Hell yea, it is.

The good news is, I have friends now. I have a social life, I guess. I go out much more often now. I went out more often this 3 months than all the times I went out with my friends last year. These people, this university gives me a clean slate. No judgement if I don't let them hurt me. And God has given me a friend, very true friend. She makes me want to learn to be as good as she is at being a friend just to give back half of what she has given to me. She wants to hear what i say and takes care of me, even to the point of calling me cute. Not that I'm an ungrateful brat, but she's like the mom I don't get to experience often. 

Bad news are:

I experienced being hated for the first time in my life. My friend has an issue with me because I said something wrong. I won't try to defend myself because I know I was wrong to hurt him. He's a real friend, one of the first friends I made in university. I've said my apologies, and I hope he forgives me and we can get back to normal. Forgiven but not forgotten is fine by me. I don't want any hard feelings between any of my friends.

The last time someone hated me was because I put my judgement too highly. I felt like my friend was hurting inside, and he's putting on a charade in real life. I can hear how dishonest his laughter and reactions are, and how he exaggerate them. It boiled in one night where he called in the middle of the night saying how much I've hurt him. I was sleeping in a room with  my grandmother during a vacation out of town. When we met, we shook hands and made up (in our awkward version). That ended, awkwardly. We don't contact each other, but have each other's info. I learned that some things are better kept to yourself than to hurt someone.

Another bad news, I think I'm not living up to my standards. I want my grades to be straight As. The worst grade I've received was a C, but it really destroyed me. I can't have Bs and Cs ruin my pride.

And in university, I have seniors now. One of them particularly piqued my interest (yea, call it a crush if you will, but I won't make a move on him since he's unavailable). I'd like to befriend him in the least. I have gotten to the point where I don't avoid him that much anymore, and I can greet him. But the mere sight of him unexpectedly will seriously give me a heart attack.

I'm learning about life bit by bit. How to prioritize, how God wants to give me something but I'm damn too stubborn and lazy to come get it, et cetera.

my bunny Akihi in headphones. just a fun pic to post.

if I had to say anything about this, it would be... Inspired by Square Enix's The World Ends With You. I shut out the world with my phones, but now i learn to dance to the beat of the music outside my head. 

I'm out! Good nite, and God bless. PEACE!

BELIEVE

Again, this is not a review to Justin Bieber's new album. I am not an anti-fan, so no hostility please. This post is about believing. I must admit, being raised in a comfortable home and having not much problems in my entire life, makes me very much oblivious to a lot of things. I believe that people are basically made the same. we're all good people, but it's the places we go to and how we were raised is what makes us grow differently. I believe that even the most harshly convicted person in the law is essentially good. But now just found that not all people believe the things I do. There are people out there who believe that humans are really selfish creatures. Yes, we are selfish, but I believe we can be more than that. We can learn to live for others, as Einstein says, only a life lived for others are worth living. We are made to be help to others, as others are also meant to help us. What's wrong with believing that? Is it too naive? I don't like confrontation. And I'm one of the few people who put up a huge rough front but inside, I hate fighting with others. It just hurts every side. It has no benefit for any side. Though I do believe that emotions need to be put out, I don't believe in putting it out there unnecessarily. Like what I did. I just blew up my back-up plan for college. Now I just have to find another place to go. I don't know if this makes me evil or just plain normal. I want the people who hurt me to regret they ever did hurt me. I want them to suffer, mentally if possible. It should scar them for the rest of their lives. I know forgiveness is the best way to be happy, but now I get the feeling the characters is soap operas feel. Revenge tempts more seductively, and much sweeter than forgiveness. Screw forgiving them. Make them pay, let them suffer! *evil laugh* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! But as I am phlegmatic, planning a complicated revenge is way too much of a drag for me. Well, according to recent internet search, I practically would need to hold off a year before college. PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND A SCHOLARSHIP TO A UNIVERSITY PREFERABLY FOR A SCIENCE RELATED MAJOR. I am doomed.