growing up

I don’t like myself when I’m jealous like this.

She seems to be perfect. She’s beautiful, adored by her friends, easy-going, and smart to boot. I can’t help but keep comparing myself with her. And I seem to lose every single time.

I can feel myself reverting back to the way I was. Depressed, alone and felt like I’ve been left behind. I don’t want to go back to that place. I suffered for 5 years trying to recover from that. And I’m still recovering. I feel less and less like my old depressed self when I’m not alone, but the analyzing part of me, and some of the good qualities are dissapearing as well. What is the point that I’m trying to make? It’s that I’m confused.

How do they do it? I want to know how do everyone live with this emotion. Why does it exist? To make humans want to improve? What’s the point of all these?

I learned that everyone hurts. Their pains aren’t evident, but it exists. The brightest smiles might hide the saddest stories. Some have screwed up people in their families, some are suffering the pains someone left,  and maybe they are suffering from both. Complicated mess of a life, but it runs just like that. And somehow, it would all fit together in God’s plan.

They hurt, but they’re getting by. They learned to roll with the punches.

I was having a hard time having to cope with the fact that I have to start growing up, but my best friend was forced to do that because of her circumstances. I want to have that kind of strength, to be brave like her.

I feel like my blog is cliched. Like the end of a sitcom where the main character writes down the lesson of the episode. But I think it’s really important not to take emotions for granted. Every second of life is a living experience. Some might not get to do all the thing we do, but they sure can know a bit about it from our perspective.

I learned in class that one of human’s traits and lifelong desire is to fulfill oneself of  their existence. They would want to prove themselves worthy of existence. They say tigers die and leave their skin, but humans die and leave their names. They want to be remembered. The topic is very often told in ancient hero stories (what hero in that time didn't want to prove themselves?)and much often, it is our way of staying immortal, living on forever in memories and hearts of others.

A blog is also a way for humans to fulfill oneself of their existence. Hoping someone would come and read it, then get to know how your life is. An invisible blog like mine, is really just to fulfill my desire to write and record what goes on in my life. So the point is I'm considering linking this blog to my twitter page of FB, but I have to work on some quirks before really doing so.

Sorry guys, not yet a photo for this post. I'll find one next time,

one step at a time

I want take life one step at a time. I guess.

The thing about being so eclectic (or and eccentric) is that I want to do lots of things. I'd like to do sports, and serve in church, and i want to officially form a club that is acknowledged by the university with my friends, also i was offered to join Latin dance class and the choir. Doing all that and still wanting to have a GPA of over 3,5 in med school and a social life as well.

Is that asking for too much?

Hell yea, it is.

The good news is, I have friends now. I have a social life, I guess. I go out much more often now. I went out more often this 3 months than all the times I went out with my friends last year. These people, this university gives me a clean slate. No judgement if I don't let them hurt me. And God has given me a friend, very true friend. She makes me want to learn to be as good as she is at being a friend just to give back half of what she has given to me. She wants to hear what i say and takes care of me, even to the point of calling me cute. Not that I'm an ungrateful brat, but she's like the mom I don't get to experience often. 

Bad news are:

I experienced being hated for the first time in my life. My friend has an issue with me because I said something wrong. I won't try to defend myself because I know I was wrong to hurt him. He's a real friend, one of the first friends I made in university. I've said my apologies, and I hope he forgives me and we can get back to normal. Forgiven but not forgotten is fine by me. I don't want any hard feelings between any of my friends.

The last time someone hated me was because I put my judgement too highly. I felt like my friend was hurting inside, and he's putting on a charade in real life. I can hear how dishonest his laughter and reactions are, and how he exaggerate them. It boiled in one night where he called in the middle of the night saying how much I've hurt him. I was sleeping in a room with  my grandmother during a vacation out of town. When we met, we shook hands and made up (in our awkward version). That ended, awkwardly. We don't contact each other, but have each other's info. I learned that some things are better kept to yourself than to hurt someone.

Another bad news, I think I'm not living up to my standards. I want my grades to be straight As. The worst grade I've received was a C, but it really destroyed me. I can't have Bs and Cs ruin my pride.

And in university, I have seniors now. One of them particularly piqued my interest (yea, call it a crush if you will, but I won't make a move on him since he's unavailable). I'd like to befriend him in the least. I have gotten to the point where I don't avoid him that much anymore, and I can greet him. But the mere sight of him unexpectedly will seriously give me a heart attack.

I'm learning about life bit by bit. How to prioritize, how God wants to give me something but I'm damn too stubborn and lazy to come get it, et cetera.

my bunny Akihi in headphones. just a fun pic to post.

if I had to say anything about this, it would be... Inspired by Square Enix's The World Ends With You. I shut out the world with my phones, but now i learn to dance to the beat of the music outside my head. 

I'm out! Good nite, and God bless. PEACE!