Christmas Cheer

This is the first Christmas I spend without being part of the service, and quite frankly I feel numb. I don’t feel the Christmas spirit. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t part of the Christmas service, so I wasn’t really looking forward to Christmas time. It was just like “oh, is it Christmastime already? I didn’t notice.”

For as long as I remember, I was always practicing for Christmas celebration in times of approaching Christmas. At school, church, wherever. Christmas without them makes me think a lot more. I am no longer a kid, waiting for Christmas to get presents from Santa or our parents. (I gave up on that because of lots of reasons, one of them being previous dissappointing gifts just being something they would get me and not enough thought given to them.) If I think about it, I don’t have Christmas cheer in me this year, probably never had them but I was too busy to realize that.

I googled about that and some say the best way is to volunteer at Christmas time. One thing I forgot to mention, I am feeling quite under the weather this Christmas. You can hear my cough from a mile away. I guess I’d have to sleep in this Christmas Eve because my body isn’t feeling that well. Ever since I got out of school, the body’s condition is deteriorating. What kept me going although I was still in school is probably the adrenaline. Medical School is hard. I’ve lost 5 pounds since I got in. It is a good way to stress you out and lose weight if you lose weight when you stress out. Not a good way to lose weight if you’re a stress-eater.

In some parts of the world, Christmas Eve is a romantic night you spend with your loved one. This is just outrageous. If that’s so, I will spend it with my stuffed rabbit, Aki whom in previous blog have been featured. I might be jealous at those couples who get to spend Christmas Eve together, because quite frankly I have no person to spend it with.

Well, Christmas originated from the celebration of Jesus’ birth, marking a new beginning, that the baby who comes will bring forth salvation to all people. So why don’t I feel that cheerful? I’m a Christian, aren’t I supposedly the owner of biggest cheer?

Aaah. I don’t feel like this is a big thing. Why am I not being a spiritual person anymore?

I’m going away for a while to find my spirituality (maybe). Bye.

reflecting in case the world ends

I have no story to tell but my own.

These are the things I found in the life of a late teenager.

In case the world ends, let’s reflect on the things we have until this moment. Because it’s my blog, I’ll reflect on my own life.

From birth until now, I feel like if someone could win in a birth lottery, my life would be at least the 7th best prize. My family is very well-off  in terms of fulfilling my needs, I have both my parents still alive and get along very well, they are religious people who constantly takes care of me. I am not stupid, quite intelligent if I may say so myself. And in terms of looks, I might not win Miss Universe but I am not ugly. I am very spolit, not experiencing many hardships in life. The number of times I use public transportation can be counted with a single hand. That’s how much I was spoilt.

But the question lingering in my mind as I think about all the things I have done with my life was what will I regret when the world actually ends?

Well, I’d regret being so depressed and not opening up to people sooner, but my life went fine even with my depression. I had some good days and my grades are satisfactory with the amount of work I have put in. I regret not taking chances with people, not trusting sooner. I’d regret being so self-absorbed, judging, and ignorant. But most of all, I regret not leaving the world with something.

I am idealist. I want to change the world with my work, and hopefully make God proud of me in the process. At the least I’d like to change someone’s life, make them know how much God loves them. Like in the old drama Touched by an Angel. I love it, and sometimes I hope God can use me the way He uses the angels to tell people how much He loved them and not be too brainwashing Christian in its way. Believe me, I’d love to see someone repent but I don’t want to give God’s children a bad name.

By going into medical school, I hope that I’d be able to see the lives of other people as well as saving them. And by the end of my career I hope I’d understand enough of God’s work in humans to write about them. Well, just writing fiction. Truth be told, if I was to pick again what major should I choose, I’d pick this all over again. I feel so blessed after my choice. But I have to say, I’d rethink and rethink again because I feel like I am so much better at English Literature and being an editor. I am good at criticizing people, well just pointing out some weaknesses and hopefully make them grow. I want to teach them to properly pursue their dreams in doing manga or fiction. I have a passion for that. But I’m afraid if I do study that, my head would only grow bigger because I’d feel that I am above the cut and everyone else. So I have to get in a major that humbles me.

that's pretty much all I could write and think of right now (well, supposedly "then" because I copy-pasted this from a word document I wrote before when the internet wasn't on, and this was supposed to be posted sooner).

growing up

I don’t like myself when I’m jealous like this.

She seems to be perfect. She’s beautiful, adored by her friends, easy-going, and smart to boot. I can’t help but keep comparing myself with her. And I seem to lose every single time.

I can feel myself reverting back to the way I was. Depressed, alone and felt like I’ve been left behind. I don’t want to go back to that place. I suffered for 5 years trying to recover from that. And I’m still recovering. I feel less and less like my old depressed self when I’m not alone, but the analyzing part of me, and some of the good qualities are dissapearing as well. What is the point that I’m trying to make? It’s that I’m confused.

How do they do it? I want to know how do everyone live with this emotion. Why does it exist? To make humans want to improve? What’s the point of all these?

I learned that everyone hurts. Their pains aren’t evident, but it exists. The brightest smiles might hide the saddest stories. Some have screwed up people in their families, some are suffering the pains someone left,  and maybe they are suffering from both. Complicated mess of a life, but it runs just like that. And somehow, it would all fit together in God’s plan.

They hurt, but they’re getting by. They learned to roll with the punches.

I was having a hard time having to cope with the fact that I have to start growing up, but my best friend was forced to do that because of her circumstances. I want to have that kind of strength, to be brave like her.

I feel like my blog is cliched. Like the end of a sitcom where the main character writes down the lesson of the episode. But I think it’s really important not to take emotions for granted. Every second of life is a living experience. Some might not get to do all the thing we do, but they sure can know a bit about it from our perspective.

I learned in class that one of human’s traits and lifelong desire is to fulfill oneself of  their existence. They would want to prove themselves worthy of existence. They say tigers die and leave their skin, but humans die and leave their names. They want to be remembered. The topic is very often told in ancient hero stories (what hero in that time didn't want to prove themselves?)and much often, it is our way of staying immortal, living on forever in memories and hearts of others.

A blog is also a way for humans to fulfill oneself of their existence. Hoping someone would come and read it, then get to know how your life is. An invisible blog like mine, is really just to fulfill my desire to write and record what goes on in my life. So the point is I'm considering linking this blog to my twitter page of FB, but I have to work on some quirks before really doing so.

Sorry guys, not yet a photo for this post. I'll find one next time,

one step at a time

I want take life one step at a time. I guess.

The thing about being so eclectic (or and eccentric) is that I want to do lots of things. I'd like to do sports, and serve in church, and i want to officially form a club that is acknowledged by the university with my friends, also i was offered to join Latin dance class and the choir. Doing all that and still wanting to have a GPA of over 3,5 in med school and a social life as well.

Is that asking for too much?

Hell yea, it is.

The good news is, I have friends now. I have a social life, I guess. I go out much more often now. I went out more often this 3 months than all the times I went out with my friends last year. These people, this university gives me a clean slate. No judgement if I don't let them hurt me. And God has given me a friend, very true friend. She makes me want to learn to be as good as she is at being a friend just to give back half of what she has given to me. She wants to hear what i say and takes care of me, even to the point of calling me cute. Not that I'm an ungrateful brat, but she's like the mom I don't get to experience often. 

Bad news are:

I experienced being hated for the first time in my life. My friend has an issue with me because I said something wrong. I won't try to defend myself because I know I was wrong to hurt him. He's a real friend, one of the first friends I made in university. I've said my apologies, and I hope he forgives me and we can get back to normal. Forgiven but not forgotten is fine by me. I don't want any hard feelings between any of my friends.

The last time someone hated me was because I put my judgement too highly. I felt like my friend was hurting inside, and he's putting on a charade in real life. I can hear how dishonest his laughter and reactions are, and how he exaggerate them. It boiled in one night where he called in the middle of the night saying how much I've hurt him. I was sleeping in a room with  my grandmother during a vacation out of town. When we met, we shook hands and made up (in our awkward version). That ended, awkwardly. We don't contact each other, but have each other's info. I learned that some things are better kept to yourself than to hurt someone.

Another bad news, I think I'm not living up to my standards. I want my grades to be straight As. The worst grade I've received was a C, but it really destroyed me. I can't have Bs and Cs ruin my pride.

And in university, I have seniors now. One of them particularly piqued my interest (yea, call it a crush if you will, but I won't make a move on him since he's unavailable). I'd like to befriend him in the least. I have gotten to the point where I don't avoid him that much anymore, and I can greet him. But the mere sight of him unexpectedly will seriously give me a heart attack.

I'm learning about life bit by bit. How to prioritize, how God wants to give me something but I'm damn too stubborn and lazy to come get it, et cetera.

my bunny Akihi in headphones. just a fun pic to post.

if I had to say anything about this, it would be... Inspired by Square Enix's The World Ends With You. I shut out the world with my phones, but now i learn to dance to the beat of the music outside my head. 

I'm out! Good nite, and God bless. PEACE!

BELIEVE

Again, this is not a review to Justin Bieber's new album. I am not an anti-fan, so no hostility please. This post is about believing. I must admit, being raised in a comfortable home and having not much problems in my entire life, makes me very much oblivious to a lot of things. I believe that people are basically made the same. we're all good people, but it's the places we go to and how we were raised is what makes us grow differently. I believe that even the most harshly convicted person in the law is essentially good. But now just found that not all people believe the things I do. There are people out there who believe that humans are really selfish creatures. Yes, we are selfish, but I believe we can be more than that. We can learn to live for others, as Einstein says, only a life lived for others are worth living. We are made to be help to others, as others are also meant to help us. What's wrong with believing that? Is it too naive? I don't like confrontation. And I'm one of the few people who put up a huge rough front but inside, I hate fighting with others. It just hurts every side. It has no benefit for any side. Though I do believe that emotions need to be put out, I don't believe in putting it out there unnecessarily. Like what I did. I just blew up my back-up plan for college. Now I just have to find another place to go. I don't know if this makes me evil or just plain normal. I want the people who hurt me to regret they ever did hurt me. I want them to suffer, mentally if possible. It should scar them for the rest of their lives. I know forgiveness is the best way to be happy, but now I get the feeling the characters is soap operas feel. Revenge tempts more seductively, and much sweeter than forgiveness. Screw forgiving them. Make them pay, let them suffer! *evil laugh* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! But as I am phlegmatic, planning a complicated revenge is way too much of a drag for me. Well, according to recent internet search, I practically would need to hold off a year before college. PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND A SCHOLARSHIP TO A UNIVERSITY PREFERABLY FOR A SCIENCE RELATED MAJOR. I am doomed.

New Title

If the setting works, the blog should be called KICKWARE by now. If it doesn't, I'll try again later. What is KICKWARE? No, it's not like tupperware. KICKWARE is a way to pronounce 'kikoeru' (聞こえる) which means 'can you hear me'. It really has a lot of meanings for me. Firstly, the name says a lit of what I want to say to the world. Hence the meaning, 'can you hear me'. I want to make a mark and BE HEARD. I want the world to know that I'm here, and I have something to say. Secondly, KICK-Ware also means a tool of KICK. Meaning, this blog is supposedly to bring more KICK in its readers' life. Well, it's my hope, not necessarily what I can do. Let's just all see how it goes~ That's all for the blog's new ID intro. Let's just get to it then~

Long Deserved Break

Breaks are quite tricky. When we're at school, all we want is to have a break. But when we actually are given holidays, we want to go back to school. It's been like, 2 days since I've gotten my break and I'm bored already. Maybe it's partly caused by me staying home all day. I don't know about you, but teenagers really need something to obsess on. An idol or idol groups perhaps. They could obsess over Facebook or Twitter, or any other social network. Some uncommon obsessions like studying is also possible.(yes, it exists. I know someone who is obsessed by it) And when teenagers have nothing to obsess over, suddenly life becomes pretty dull. nothing to look forward to. So, obsessing over something in a healthy amount is recommended! Obsess about future, music or love~ just don't obsess over someone who has a husband, there's already a movie about it.

change!

When I think about it, the name of the blog is really depressing. I've had this blog for some time now. I've grown out of the depressing stage I was in a few years back. I still have a sharp tongue, but I really have changed. I feel like I'm not ready for adulthood. I still want to be a kid. But I have to grow up. Change is hard. But it's for us to take in and for us to learn to move on. Because nothing ever stays the same. In fact, drastic change can put a person in a near-depression stage if that person is not ready or not prepared for it. True words. Kids are really vulnerable. No matter how much a parent cares, they can't really see what's going on inside another person's head. In order to have an exciting life, you must constantly evolve. -Izaya Orihara. Quoting an anime character. (Writers of no matter what media, who still have philosophy, with a purpose and something to teach us,is worth quoting.) But for some people, it's not true No one ever likes having to part with something they're so familiar with. Even if it's a drag, a part of us would still prefer not changing. And there will come a time when we need to change ourselves. Maybe we need to grow up and start committing to something. Even just for a few weeks. Maybe it's the other way around. I don't really know. Being a teenager is also about having to adapt to a lot of changes. An article in last year's National Geographic magazine claimed teenagers to be one of, if not the most adaptive creatures to change. But why do I feel like adapting to change is still hard? Change, is inevitable. Where ever we go, it will surely come. So it's best to prepare.

Taking It All In

What I want out of life is to take in everything I can and capture the moments, so when I have the time to reminisce, I would be able to feel everything all over again.

Even in between hectic tests schedule, I want to capture the stress and how chaotic my life is right now. I do have the tendency to want so much, and even plan to bite too much more than I can chew. But it's okay, I guess. I have a big mouth and a lot of appetite for life. I am young and I believe it's high time I experience it all.

Life is too short, right?

So here's what I captured at last weekend's Java Jazz festival.

I only got to see 2 real shows, but it was plentiful.

The passion for music, brings people together. People of all shapes and sizes, no matter what race they are.

I was one of the enthusiasts. For the people I was going to watch, I was willing to stand ion my tiptoes all night just to feel, how it is to be part of the music they're so passionate about.

The stench that filled the air didn't matter, as well as how crowded it was.

For a few tens of minutes, the stabbing pain in my stomach was gone. I wasn't sleep deprived. I was just an adoring fan and spectator. The passion for the moment overcame the pains I had. Sure, at times my hands felt sore from holding up my phone and tiptoeing just to get a blurry, distant picture of them. But all that mattered that moment was that I captured and lived it.

After the show finished, my legs were sore, even my back hurted. (And I am just a teenager)

Java Jazz, or any concert for that matter, was not only a festival to celebrate the musicians and the music. But also to celebrate the musicians' passion AND the passion of the music lovers. We may not speak the same language, but the music speaks for us. Connecting us to one another.