Christmas Cheer

This is the first Christmas I spend without being part of the service, and quite frankly I feel numb. I don’t feel the Christmas spirit. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t part of the Christmas service, so I wasn’t really looking forward to Christmas time. It was just like “oh, is it Christmastime already? I didn’t notice.”

For as long as I remember, I was always practicing for Christmas celebration in times of approaching Christmas. At school, church, wherever. Christmas without them makes me think a lot more. I am no longer a kid, waiting for Christmas to get presents from Santa or our parents. (I gave up on that because of lots of reasons, one of them being previous dissappointing gifts just being something they would get me and not enough thought given to them.) If I think about it, I don’t have Christmas cheer in me this year, probably never had them but I was too busy to realize that.

I googled about that and some say the best way is to volunteer at Christmas time. One thing I forgot to mention, I am feeling quite under the weather this Christmas. You can hear my cough from a mile away. I guess I’d have to sleep in this Christmas Eve because my body isn’t feeling that well. Ever since I got out of school, the body’s condition is deteriorating. What kept me going although I was still in school is probably the adrenaline. Medical School is hard. I’ve lost 5 pounds since I got in. It is a good way to stress you out and lose weight if you lose weight when you stress out. Not a good way to lose weight if you’re a stress-eater.

In some parts of the world, Christmas Eve is a romantic night you spend with your loved one. This is just outrageous. If that’s so, I will spend it with my stuffed rabbit, Aki whom in previous blog have been featured. I might be jealous at those couples who get to spend Christmas Eve together, because quite frankly I have no person to spend it with.

Well, Christmas originated from the celebration of Jesus’ birth, marking a new beginning, that the baby who comes will bring forth salvation to all people. So why don’t I feel that cheerful? I’m a Christian, aren’t I supposedly the owner of biggest cheer?

Aaah. I don’t feel like this is a big thing. Why am I not being a spiritual person anymore?

I’m going away for a while to find my spirituality (maybe). Bye.

reflecting in case the world ends

I have no story to tell but my own.

These are the things I found in the life of a late teenager.

In case the world ends, let’s reflect on the things we have until this moment. Because it’s my blog, I’ll reflect on my own life.

From birth until now, I feel like if someone could win in a birth lottery, my life would be at least the 7th best prize. My family is very well-off  in terms of fulfilling my needs, I have both my parents still alive and get along very well, they are religious people who constantly takes care of me. I am not stupid, quite intelligent if I may say so myself. And in terms of looks, I might not win Miss Universe but I am not ugly. I am very spolit, not experiencing many hardships in life. The number of times I use public transportation can be counted with a single hand. That’s how much I was spoilt.

But the question lingering in my mind as I think about all the things I have done with my life was what will I regret when the world actually ends?

Well, I’d regret being so depressed and not opening up to people sooner, but my life went fine even with my depression. I had some good days and my grades are satisfactory with the amount of work I have put in. I regret not taking chances with people, not trusting sooner. I’d regret being so self-absorbed, judging, and ignorant. But most of all, I regret not leaving the world with something.

I am idealist. I want to change the world with my work, and hopefully make God proud of me in the process. At the least I’d like to change someone’s life, make them know how much God loves them. Like in the old drama Touched by an Angel. I love it, and sometimes I hope God can use me the way He uses the angels to tell people how much He loved them and not be too brainwashing Christian in its way. Believe me, I’d love to see someone repent but I don’t want to give God’s children a bad name.

By going into medical school, I hope that I’d be able to see the lives of other people as well as saving them. And by the end of my career I hope I’d understand enough of God’s work in humans to write about them. Well, just writing fiction. Truth be told, if I was to pick again what major should I choose, I’d pick this all over again. I feel so blessed after my choice. But I have to say, I’d rethink and rethink again because I feel like I am so much better at English Literature and being an editor. I am good at criticizing people, well just pointing out some weaknesses and hopefully make them grow. I want to teach them to properly pursue their dreams in doing manga or fiction. I have a passion for that. But I’m afraid if I do study that, my head would only grow bigger because I’d feel that I am above the cut and everyone else. So I have to get in a major that humbles me.

that's pretty much all I could write and think of right now (well, supposedly "then" because I copy-pasted this from a word document I wrote before when the internet wasn't on, and this was supposed to be posted sooner).