just realized

gue baru nyadar seumur-umur, blog gue isinya gue yang terus menerus mengeluh.

even judul blognya whiny.

not cool.

Hey. It's been a long time

...

have you ever felt like no one ever expects anything of you?

some people might like it that way, but not me.

I've spent my whole life actually giving up many things for others, but I guess that's for nothing.

well, it's more like no one ever sees me.

I make the worst impression ever.

Damn.

it hurts.

It would be easier if i was a robot.

I am uncapable of feelings, emotions what so ever. Just like a robot. It would be easier if I had a

cold heart, made of ice. At least in school.

I AM A TOTAL OUTCAST AT SCHOOL. Even my best friend seems to ignore me. Either in class or not. Bells is hanging out with her cool new best friends, and saph’s having the time of her life being just fine. I am the most pathetic person ever. It’s just sad.

No one actually needs me. It's just sad when you have good grades and doing okay with your schoolwork. I can't comprehend if anyone ever think that I'm cool or anything is fooled. Even I didn't think anyone would actually fall for "I'm doing just fine" bit.

And for some reason when I actually ask for something or be particularly specific when I ask for a person's help or vice versa, others seem to just can't stand it.

A FREAK texted me at something past 1, and he (yes a HE) didn't care about my grandmother. wo de WAIPO. He might have told me how terrible I am. I am sorry, but I don't feel anything. He was taking a joke too seriously. I didn't like him that much but he feel offended when I don't want to be anywhere near him.

I'll probably get back to you on that.

selfish egoistic people

empty.

I feel emptyness.

well, sure is lonely here.

It's always lonely when all you think about is yourself. When you think the world revolves around you, you are pathetic.

just like me.

I'm turning into one of those people where they are succesful but lonely.

someone..

get me out of this emptyness.

A shallow heart that longs for affection cries in the middle of the day,

Yet no one hears its cry

(But I know if all else fails, I could always write.)

it's almost 3.

gotta get to class.

bored..

It's Monday, I've got nothing to do and I'm BORED!!!

Life's definitely boring, my friends are pulling apart, but I've gotten a little closer to the guys @school. But definitely I'm feeling unappreciated. There's a competition between schools, and I'm not even on any teams. Hell, no. No offense, y'all gonna pay for this.

but it is kinda my fault, though. I'm such a hard person to crack, I don't get along that much with smart people so I can't put a team of 2 together because everybody was going with the other guy. Man, I'm so pathetique. But I'm supposed to like getting off the hook. I dunno it doesn't feel that good because I don't like warming the bench, being under the radar. Sometimes it's good, but most times it SUCKS REAL BAD. but where do ya think they got the phrase: "Good girls are bad girls that don't get caught" from?

Dang it! I'm SOOOO BORED!

I'm thinking about...

Gila.. Sebenernya Chris O'donnell tuh cakep abis, apalagi pas maen di The Chamber. Tapi umurnya 2x ++ umur gue.. Huhu.. Padahal cakepp.. hueueee..

Moral hari ini: Humble yourself!
Gue nyanyi kaco banget di depan temen gue, senior" gue dst.. Apalagi di depan junior gue yang dulu gue pernah nyolotin, padahal gue yang salah.. Maap yah.. Payah deh gue.. Nyanyi buat Tuhan pas paskah aja jelek.. Tadinya gugup bukan maen.. sampe gue hyperventilating segala. Anxiety banget. Tapi sebelom gue nyanyi kan doa syafaat, doanya panjaaaang banget.. Tapi jadi gag gugup lagi abis doa.. Hebat banget Tuhan gue..Tapi this experience tuh bener" humbling banget. very good!
The problem is... malunya gimana?

Tapi today gue sempet reconnect sama temen-temen gue yang uda rasanya lamaaaaaaa banget gue nggak ngobrol bareng. Hueeeeueeeueueueueueue... Internetnya bloon sih jadi gag bisa buka Fb.. Mana HP gue juga ga bisa lagii... Why??? Cruel faith, why???

Maaakkk, sampe kapan gue nungguin filenya diupload jadi gue bisa kirim terus tidur?? Besok gue uda sekolah niiie!! Slow motion banget!! Huhuhuhuhuhhuhuhu.....

Stressing out... Paranoid..

What if gue punya superpower yah?? Superpowernya apa yaaa??? Kalo gue bisa ngancurin barang, itu mah udah biasa... GUue juga udah bisa kalo gituu.. maunya sih yang beda! yang keren gitu.. Gue pengen bisa terbang ahh.. Tapi gue males jatohnya, bo! Enak kalo bisa ngendaliin teknologi.. Laptop merk keren tapi aslinya suka error" sendiri ini gue benerin, internet go!!! ngebut kayak iklan smart, dst.. wkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkkk.. wakakak deh..

I am waitingg... volooott.. tweet tweet.. lamaaaa.. love... hahahaaa... gue stress... ngantukk.. dijamin bisa bobo di kelas dengan anteng... hahahaaa.. itu kalo kaga ketauan wahahahahahaaa..

BTW happy easter to yang ngerayain..

woiii.. di depan perumahan citra 3 di cengkareng, mau dibangun gereja buat Gereja Trinitas, yang jemaatnya udah kepenuhan. Kasian kebanyakan orang di satu tempat empel"an buat memperdalam iman.. Nah, orang-orang di RW apaan gitu (maap, males ngapal) pada ngelarang terus bikin palang" deh. Ada yang bilang orang RW yang protes itu minta duit, ada yang bilang gag mau kristenisasi.. Mohon dunkk bantuannya.. dibujuk kek yang RWnyaa.. gue mau sekolah susaah niie.. lewat jalan sono.. tapi diblok melulu.. Kalo mau minta duit dengan cara begini kayak preman tauu.. Kan negara demokrasi, ke pengadilan ajaa.. Jangan takut! Kalo bener pasti menang.. Kira" di RW ntuh pada punya fb kaga ya? Ntar gue posting di fb deh kalo bulan depan masih ditutup..

LAMA BANGET SIIH!!!
kesel gue.. cranky soalnya ngantuk..
nitezzzzzzzz

Breathe..

Well, I've gotten a little less lonely or awkward. But I just found out that I'm paranoid and a valetudinarian (read:overly careful of their health)

Okeh.. Males banget ngelanjutin pake inggris.

Kemaren guru piano gue ngasih lagu The Wild Horseman, dan dia bilang lagunya cocok buat gue. Lagunya banyak staccato(nada yang dimainkan kayak pianonya itu panas banget, jadi mencetnya gag ditahan). Maksudnya apaan tuh?
Apa artinya gue itu orangnya ceria, apa? Sering depresi sendiri malah dibilang ceria. Gue nggak ngartos! Padahal guru piano gue itu S1 jurusan psikologi dan lagi S2 buat konseling. Gue ora ngartos!!!

I might have found a companion, a silent one in Bella,but I've always counted on Sapi to give me friendship. Yah, Bella mungkin lebih sering sama gue, tapi dia kayaknya mending gue lepas ke Mimi dkk aja. Dia lebih banyak ketawa di sana. Lagi, gue lebih cocok sama Sapi yang sama-sama suka baca, Memel yang suuuuuuuppppeeeeeeerrr baaaaaiiiiiikkk baaaannggggeeeeettt, sama Mechele yang asik. Wehehehe..

Things are not so much hectic this time of year. Wait until you see me study for the exams. Aneh ah!
What's the point of blogging kalo kagag diliat orang yah? Eh, gue ada peer bejibun and hampir semua belom selesai. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Dasar, gue mulai stress dan bisa jadi gila nih! Liburan yang aneeeh..

BREATHE... I NEED TO BREATHE FOR A SEC. RELAX...

Ok, Back to work!

almost school

Yaaaaah, bentar lagi masuk sekolah.. BT...
Reaksi gue normal.. Rasanya emang males banget masuk sekolah abis liburan yang rasanya panjang banget.. wekks.. MALES BANGET!!

Liburan ini gue banyak banget bengong and jadi melankolis banget. Raising the big questions like why do I exist? The world might be a better place without me anyways. How do I get this lucky? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do in this world? What's for dinner? How am I soing to work this thing? What would I be when I grow up?

Kayaknya gue terlalu kecapekan deh.. Sekarang aja gue pusing..

Liburan kemaren sepertinya gue baru menghabiskan nasib sial gue selama satu dekade. Sial banger selama tgl 30-31. Hape gue nyemplung, gue dapet mie kocok yang paling pedes, padahal gue benci pedes, mecahin botol-botol minuman, dan sampe jatoh di malem taon baru waktu nonton kembang api. Sial banget.

Slowly, I feel like I am losing myself. Emotions began to fade in my life. I began to lose the passion I have for the things I value in life. It's not like I can't live without it, this world is temporary (in a Christian way) and I shouldn't be too attached to this world (again, in a Christian way). But I'd like to be me, thank you. But it's not like that I have a clue about who I am. All I know is what I've been read, and some was figured out.

So, as I said, it's almost school. Life is dictated and stuff. school sucks!